he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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