How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize