I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
