What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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