look no pants
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
