corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
