an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
