She said her name was "party"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
