Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize