I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
