there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
