weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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