Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize