I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
