everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone came in the potted fern
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
