I need help removing her.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
