Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
