I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sober January is a disaster.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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