The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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