either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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