my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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