just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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