According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
