No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
