I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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