And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
