textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
