Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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