chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
