i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
