Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
