a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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