I'm jealous of your bromance
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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