ya dads aren't the best wingmen
one might say we're banned from that church
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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