Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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