Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize