Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
