can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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