You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
