I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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