i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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