I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
