I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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