So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
