they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
