Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
