I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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