I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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