nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
