Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
