So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
