He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
