I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize