maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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