he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
