Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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