last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize