So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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