I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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