My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
